1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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