I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
