We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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