something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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