Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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