Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
