I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
