Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I didn't notice because vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
