Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize