drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
