I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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