I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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