Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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