i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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