My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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