I can't watch pbs sober anymore
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
