70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
