Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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