my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
