I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
