the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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