hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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