He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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