i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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