You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
