he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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