so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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