My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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