guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
