I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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