I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
