a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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