I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just pee around me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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