The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
