Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
