You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize