eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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