is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my shit smells like andre
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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