And the cops told us we were all naked.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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