i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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