im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
