if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pants are for mortals
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
