make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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