The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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