just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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