I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize