She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am available for nakedness
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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