you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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