Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
