why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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