Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I lost the right to judge tonight
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
