the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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