I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
