Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
