The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
