I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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