By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
