Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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