Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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