Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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