just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
These tits shall not be calmed
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
